I received that lesson in a powerful way in marriage. About three years into my second (and last!) marriage, I remember what a shock it was to realize that I was having some of the same disagreements with my wife that I had with my first wife. Here I was, madly in love with this woman and fully aware of her many positive traits and her wonderful, womanly radiance, and, having carefully considered all the aspects of marriage and compatibility, and having decided to marry her and to spend the rest of our lives together, and yet absolutely, positively convinced that I was right about such and such a point and doing everything to convince her of my rightness in a not very productive manner.

It hit me like a dope-slap from the Jolly Green Giant – I was creating the same sorts of conflicts in my new relationship as I had done in my first marriage! Two different women, same dude. Two wonderful, talented women, same unpleasant Mr. Grouchy-Pants. Hmmm. There was no denying it, darn it, I was causing the problems. It’s been humbling, but truly helpful in getting me to question the validity of my crankiness. I don’t recommend that you get divorced and remarried just for the sake of self-improvement, but are there any situations where you’ve had the perspective to realize that you might be the cause of inter-personal conflict?

How do you know??

I mean, who is it that’s paying attention to notice when you’re having a feeling or experiencing a certain mood? Isn’t that the real you?

I first learned about this technique when I was trying to stop myself from arguing so much with my girlfriend (who’s now my wife, so I guess I can say it worked!). I can’t remember where first I heard about it, but the essence of it was: pay attention when you get angry and ask yourself, “who’s angry?” If the answer is, “me!” then ask, “but who asked the question?” It takes about one-tenth of a second to realize that it’s not you that’s angry, but some part of you that you don’t necessarily have to validate at that moment.

Turns out the same technique works great in the martial arts world. When you’re in the middle of sparring and find yourself getting frustrated or tense, ask yourself, “what do I want more, to experience this feeling or to get better?” For me, the answer is always, “to get better,” and as soon as I ask the question, I’m able to revert to sparring using the eyes of my “true” self – which is much less competitive but a lot more capable than the  ego-driven part of my personality.

I think this technique can work in just about any area of life. Have you ever experienced anything like this?