All throughout history, humans have been fond of making lists of how to behave. The Ten Commandments, the Seven Deadly Sins, the Laws Of The Twelve Tables, or in modern times, that horrifying mass of documents known as “law”. Well, we all pretty much know by now that lying, stealing, cheating, and killing are bad; frankly, it’s just a lot of rationalization that makes them seem okay when conducting business. But in our day-to-day lives, we seem to have lost touch with some of the basics. Below are five simple suggestions for better modern living. Feel free to let us know if we missed anything.

Lose The F-Bomb

Sure, it makes you sound tough and indifferent to trivial problems, but maybe that’s the problem. This isn’t about being prudish. The F-Word has its place as a powerful punctuation for a heated remark, but it not only loses its impact when used repeatedly, it makes for rather inelegant expression. Besides, you kiss your mom with that mouth. And while you’re at it, why not lose damning people and things, and stop invoking the names of the underworld? If these words DON’T have metaphysical powers, why use them? They’re just inarticulate. And if they DO, well, enough said. Just be careful – you may invoke THE END OF DAYS by accident.

Put Yourself Second

We’ve had at least fifty years of pop psychology and consumer culture telling us that we – as individuals – are the most important thing in the world. Well, look where that has gotten us. We’re obese, have heart problems, waste millions of tons of food while half the world starves, and road rage is at an all-time high. And everybody is surly at the grocery store and the mall as they buy more stuff to fill their emptiness. Next time you’re at the checkout line, let the other person go first. Hold doors for people. At four-way stops, go last instead of edging in passive-aggressively. Next time you feel like ordering “pizza doubles”, bake your own SINGLE at home, and send the savings to a food charity.

Fight Over Who Pays

No, not the way most people do it, as in that awkward moment at the end of lunch when everyone busts out the calculators because they forgot to ask for separate checks. Next time just pay the whole darn thing. And if someone else pulls the same trick first, argue politely twice against it, it shows class. Arguing three times is just rude. You will be shocked by the revolution this creates amongst your dining companions. It also works at the theater, the ice cream parlor, the cafe, the ball game, and when playing golf, whether mini or life-size.

Say Excuse Me, Please, and Thank You

I can’t tell you how many times a day I see someone grunting and snorting on the sidewalk or in a store aisle because someone is blocking their path. It’s quite comical in a way, given the startled smile and courteousness one usually gets in response if they just try saying “excuse me”. Likewise with the ancient magic incantation “please”. It adds mystical power to the statement “I’d like a lowfat lowfoam double vanilla latte”. And when you say “thank you” as your request is granted, members of the Secret Cult of Please and Thank You will grant you an additional secret blessing of “you’re welcome”, letting you know you are welcome to do this all again some time.

Learn How To Use A Mobile Phone. Politely.

It’s amazing that technology has advanced sufficiently that you can call your kids at home from your base camp as you climb Mount Kilimanjaro using a device that fits in your shirt pocket. And it’s amazing that you’re smart enough to get a job that pays well enough to buy one of these incredible devices. Now maybe it’s time you got smart enough to use it in a civilized fashion. Some simple rules:

1.) Unless it’s your stockbroker calling in the middle of a market crash or your dying mother calling from her deathbed, don’t interrupt face-to-face conversations to take a call. And if you MUST glance at the phone to know who called, apologize to your physically present companion

2.) When dealing with checkout clerks, waiters, barristas, bartenders, delivery people, or anyone else who is merely trying to SERVE you, get off the phone, or put your caller on hold. Everyone will be happier. Perhaps most of all your friend who can’t figure out why you’re saying “how much” and “keep it”.

3.) Turn the darn thing off at the theater, the restaurant, the cafe, the funeral, the library, and anywhere else that people don’t want to hear a crappy robot version of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”. Failure to observe the RTFM Protocol (Read The Freakin’ Manual) is not a legitimate excuse. If you can figure out how to make a call, you can figure out how to turn the ringer off.

Bonus List:

Stand up and greet people when they join you at a restaurant or cafe

When you’re with a friend and run into someone they don’t know, INTRODUCE them.

Embrace people when greeting them, instead of offering the “white man handshake”

Say “hi” and smile at strangers. Maybe even say “how are you today?” or “Nice day, isn’t it?”

Over the last couple of years, I watched nearly identical tragic romances unfold, and having a window on these two relationships reminded me not only of the immense influence of guilt on some people’s decision making, but the amazing absence of guilt that some people may feel in nearly identical circumstances. These “tragic romances” I’m referring to were fairly common stories of marriages in which the woman believed the man had become emotionally or sensually vacant, tried to address the problem, and then, out of frustration, turned to infidelity to find the attention they craved.

The woman in one of these relationships expressed very little guilt about her actions, and moved on to get divorced. In the other instance however, the woman apparently felt enough guilt that she eventually rejected a man she had told repeatedly for several years that she loved, and returned to the psychologically abusive relationship with her husband. It was the latter situation that struck me more; as this friend sobbed about the dual guilt of hurting one man to return to the one she had cheated on, I did my best to encourage her to do what she thought was right, and suggested that while it was alright to feel badly about doing something one knows is “wrong”, it’s literally toxic to ourselves to dwell in the guilt. I suggested that once she had acknowledged to herself some wrongdoing, that she “shed that shroud of guilt” and move on.

There’s a remarkable range of things a person probably should feel guilty about, but I can’t help noticing the widely disparate manifestations of guilt or lack thereof that we encounter in modern life. The other day, I was talking to a fellow whose wages were being garnished because of a student loan that was in default, and I asked him how he would feel about mass protest to dismiss or defer student debt. He said he wouldn’t support it. I asked him why – in light of the fact that bankers and politicians were dumping the debt for their financial failures on current and future generations of taxpayers through bailouts – he wouldn’t demand a reciprocal arrangement. He said that what they did was wrong, but that didn’t mean he didn’t owe the debt he had taken on.

That pretty effectively sums up the poles of the range of human responses to feeling guilt over wrongdoing right there. Regardless of the fact that a person may be able or likely to find rationalizations for wrongdoing (especially if the rewards are high enough, as with emotion or riches), there is one kind of person who will feel genuine guilt whether or not they get caught, and another kind of person who will NOT feel genuine guilt whether they get caught or not.

If you’re in the latter camp, I’m not sure why you’re reading this; there’s a decent chance that you’re mildly sociopathic! But if you’re like most of us, you may find yourself in situations where guilt gnaws at you for a variety of reasons. While guilt serves a perfectly positive purpose – it’s our own negative reinforcement for behaviors that don’t benefit us – it can also be a poison that dwells within us, and eventually destroys us.

In the simplest view, there are really only two kinds of guilt. Guilt about something you did, or guilt about something you didn’t do. They can both be incredibly self-destructive, and they can both be fairly easily dealt with, once you identify lingering guilt as the little monster that it is. But that’s probably the real problem. Many people don’t even REALIZE they’re driven by guilt. Are you? Do you fret about how you could have done a better job on something at work? About how you don’t spend enough quality time with your family? Those are both just as likely to be forms of perfectionism, which is another issue worth looking at. Do you feel guilt about how you broke little Jane or Johnny’s heart in college, or the friend you jilted at some point in the past? The first two items aren’t really that hard to deal with. It’s simple as CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR. Do better next time at work, learning from the mistakes you made. Spend more time with the family! How hard is that? And the latter two things can end up being almost comical once one takes the right steps toward addressing them. Quite often, when we go to repair this kind of guilt by reaching out to make amends, we discover that the person we thought we had harmed cares so little that they barely remember who we are! Sometimes guilty obsessions can honestly be that out of proportion with reality. The guilt factory in our head can be quite productive.

The strategy for minimizing guilt in your life is actually pretty damn simple. Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Don’t fear. Communicate! Things like the infidelity I mentioned at the top arise from one’s fear of the confrontation one thinks will result from expressing one’s true feelings. Telling someone what you think will almost never have results as negative as those that come from subterfuge, deceit, and avoiding the facts.

Dealing with persistent guilt has other solutions, but they all center around self-forgiveness. If you’ve done your best to make amends or change your behavior, and are still feeling guilt, there are several things that can help you. One is simply time. While a confession or making an amend can sometimes provide instant, almost magical relief, sometimes we just need to process and heal. Another is obviously therapy. Talk therapy can really help us hear the fallacy of our own thoughts, and free us to move on. And if you have faith or a spiritual side, ponder the fact that while bringing your problem to a church figure may actually AGGRAVATE the problem, since guilt is one of the key tools of many religious organizations, the PRINCIPLES of your faith may provide an incredibly easy answer. Most faiths and spiritual practices have something devoted especially to release from guilt. Think of the entire purpose of a figure like Jesus, for instance, who – if you believe the teachings – was sent here to free us from our human flaws, partly by acknowledging that we all have them!

It may just be time to shed that shroud of guilt you’re wearing.

It’s not very becoming.